Defrauding Sex vs Loving Sex

As we negotiate sex in the modern world we are faced with many choices, and some are far better than others. There is no doubt in my mind that the best sex happens between a man and a woman within a non defrauding relationship. We defraud another when we withhold what is rightfully due, or when we steal what is not ours from another.

Now there is no place in scripture where God institutes marriage, it just appears that from the earliest times marriage and the responsibility that a man has to provide security for a woman and their children has been an honourable part of all human cultures. In various ways, through Gods advice found in the scriptures, it is clear that honourable sex comes with a price of responsibility.

Exodus 22:16 (KJV)

And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.

Sex is a big deal with God, and if we want to discover all sex has to offer, then we should make it our aim to understand why, and it is all about defrauding sex vs loving sex. Sex is pleasurable, but it is far more than that. Sex comes with responsibility, and those who overlook that or try and escape paying the price will eventually find themselves unhappily lost in a mess of their own making.

So what does it mean to defraud another sexually? Firstly, it is the avoidance of marriage and the commitment that that entails. If you are not prepared to marry your sex partner, no matter how much you “love” them, you are not loving them, but defrauding them of their potential happiness. You cannot give everything until you give everything; and the sacred vows of marriage, where we pledge our willingness to love against all odds, is the only firm foundation upon which great sex can flourish. Now, I know that great sex happens outside of marriage, but I’m not talking about those individual lightning encounters on your timeline, but a lifetime of positive, growing sexual experience. This can only happen within a non defrauding relationship. Now there are a multitude of reasons that people have unmarried sex, some more honourable than others, but hopefully I will explore this another time. For now I want to deal with married defrauding sex, which also cannot ever bring you into sexual happiness.

Now marriage does not in itself guarantee great sex. Far from it. Many married people sell themselves short by defrauding their partner or by being defrauded sexually. So, how is it that we can defraud our partner? The most obvious and by far the most common way is by not making sex a priority and refusing to be open our partners advances and needs. Good sex takes lots of practice and communication. It requires time, attention, experimentation and a keen desire to please the other. If one or both parties enter the sexual relationship without an understanding of its high importance, or carry baggage that interferes with their ability to be sexually willing, you will have issues with desire.

The easiest way to create a non defrauding sexual relationship is to make sex a high priority in your life. This necessarily requires that you examine your priorities and adjust them appropriately. My advise is to jump in at the deep end and see what surfaces. Make a commitment, a vow even, to devote time each day to your beloved. Without fail, without excuses, nurture your sexual relationship, refresh your love and remember your sacred covenant every day. Try it for 40 days to start and then let it become a habit.

You will soon see what excuses come up in your mind, then you have a choice, to break the vow or modify your priorities. I hope you do the latter. If you take the 40 day love challenge, and embrace it with enthusiasm and a can do attitude, I promise you will discover creative and resourceful ways to fulfill your commitment that will give you plenty of fresh love experiences. What if you are separated by other commitments? Write a love poem, try phone sex, come up with something that fits the bill for both of you, but stick with it no matter what.

What if one fails and can’t let go of their stuff? They put their work or their tiredness before the vow? For the willing partner, this can be perceived as a deep betrayal and it is. It shouts out loud and clear that they are not making their marriage top priority. If you are going to do this, don’t play with it or you may find the consequences alarming. If you have any doubts about the strength of your marriage, this little 40 day intimacy builder will expose it.

The 40 days of sex will naturally expose the baggage that may accompany our lack of interest in sex. Don’t think for a minute 40 days will deal with all of this, but it can work wonders and kick start the journey. There are diverse physical, cultural, religious, mental, emotional and spiritual reasons that we do not experience sex positively, but the best way to work through all of these and release new levels of sexual enjoyment is with the loving and patient attention, prayer and encouragement from a committed mate.

I have to end it here, but I would love to hear your thought and experiences or questions!


Masters and Johnson Sensate Focus Exercises for Enhancing Sexual Intimacy

When you look at Sensate Focus exercises as prescribed by Sex Therapist researchers Masters and Johnson
it is not rocket science, it’s just about couples exploring touch and sensation in their whole body, not just the obvious sex centres. It’s about building trust and expanding your expression of love within sex, and every couple can become skilled at and learn to enjoy loving touch.

But not everyone likes touch. Some don’t have time for it. They were never given it. Perhaps touch frightens them because it exposes feelings of abandonment or abuse. Yet touch is just the thing God has decreed for us as our first and most primary experience as humans. A baby is touched often. He is bathed, cleaned, fondled, kissed. 

Touch is meant to draw us closer to one another, and if you don’t like it, you should learn to. If your partner does not like touch, and especially if they don’t like sex, Sensate Focus Exercises are a great place to start.


Song of Songs, Chapter 1:5-8 Female Insecurity

This is a meditation on the Song of Songs, the greatest tale of erotic bliss and romantic love.

Female Insecurity ch 1:5-8

v5 “I am dark but beautiful, O women of Jerusalem— dark as the tents of Kedar, dark as the curtains of Solomon’s tents.”

The early blossomings of Eros make a woman more confident and aware of her allure. She sees that she belongs with this man. Our bride is ready for love, brown as a berry and feels beautiful, soon to adorn Solomon’s tent. She is really saying that she feels she belongs with him. She feels part of the furniture, and she is willing for her body to grace and beautify Solomon’s inner chamber, as do the dark curtains of his tent.

v6 “Don’t stare at me because I am dark— the sun has darkened my skin. My brothers were angry with me; they forced me to care for their vineyards, so I couldn’t care for myself—my own vineyard.”

Some women have great torment of mind over their appearance and all it’s flaws. We’ve all got a story. Our sister bride in the song hasn’t looked after herself. She has been manipulated by lazy males offloading their responsibilities onto her. The result? Burnt sun damaged skin? I don’t know, but somehow we sense she’s been ripped off.

v7 “Tell me, my love, where are you leading your flock today? Where will you rest your sheep at noon? For why should I wander like a prostitute among your friends and their flocks?”

Where did that come from? Why does this girl feel like a prostitute? Does she have no home or sense of place? She is full of insecurities and self image issues. The word here translated as prostitute by the NLT is in Hebrew, atah which means covered, entrapped as with a cloak. Lepers and prostitutes and those in mourning and in shame all come to mind. And such are we, however this girl wants to be somewhere else. She seeks to be free of the shame she feels amongst his companions (church folk?) She’s looking to find her love in a restful place, sheltered from the hot midday sun and friends and possessions can never take the place of Him.

v8 “If you don’t know, O most beautiful woman, follow the trail of my flock, and graze your young goats by the shepherds’ tents.”

Where to find him? Jesus and our earthly bridegroom can be found with Gods people and the trail of truth left to us from past ages.

So this is where our girl is at when she falls in love with Solomon. She’s got quite a past but is also on the right path for love.

Sex every day. The best way to tone your pelvic floor

Sex is a very healthy activity and should be regularly enjoyed. Unfortunately, all too often, sex is last on the list after work, children, food, home chores etc etc. Many couples are too exhausted to bother and little by little, the day to day exchanges with your partner become all about the business of life and the zing, fun and passion that energised your relationship is gone. When you do find time and opportunity, you might find it harder to connect mentally and Spiritually, and without these engines of pleasure, sex is less than it could be.

But how do you reclaim lost ground and get back to something warmer and more intimate?

40 Days of Sex Challenge

As impossible as it might seem to you right now, you can do pretty much anything once you make a decision. With this challenge, couples make a commitment to one another to spend at least 30 minutes daily in some kind of intimate activity. If you are both exhausted or have been estranged and disconnected, just holding one another and opening up your heart in love is enough to stoke the fire. The real win is that you are making a decision to DAILY open yourself up to intimate communion with your beloved, and you experience their commitment to you as well.

But putting sex back on the menu can be very confronting. Keeping such a commitment for any couple can become a reason to fight or when heartily embraced can become an exciting game of loves resourcefulness. Hopefully you will find the benefits so enriching, you will continue for another 40 days!

Regular sexual willingness is a choice. We can learn to enjoy sex on many levels, but one healthy thing a woman can do every day when having sex is to tone the pelvic floor muscles. Both men and women gain advantage when regular pelvic floor exercises are practiced.

For Women

The ladies of the Harem knew the value of toning the pelvis and pelvic floor muscles through belly dancing and sex practices that involved massaging her man’s penis while inside her. The Karma Sutra mentions a particular province of India, where women had so effectively trained their pelvic floor muscles that they were able to prevent a man’s penis from withdrawing at orgasm, so ensuring the planting of his seed in her womb.

Regardless,  sex is a great time to use your secret power. Pussy muscles.

To be honest I have always hated doing the pelvic floor exercises. It makes me crinkle my face in wry concentration. I’ve found sex to be a far more enjoyable way to work them. Done daily you will notice an increased vitality and strength come into your Chi (life force).  This is because it also activates the movement of energy through the governing vessels which are the primary energy source of the body.

It is done most easily with the woman on top, astride her man, once she can take his full length and sit firmly on top of him. The woman uses her pelvic floor muscles, firstly to grab the penis at its base (feeling the contraction even up into the clitoris), and then contracting the muscles up inside the vagina to the womb. As you become more excited, and greedier to “gulp down” more pleasure, the movement deepens to naturally involve the core abdominal muscles and more of the pelvic floor around the anus. The man should stay rather still if possible, encouraging your woman, giving feedback, making lots of encouraging noises and she will try harder and harder to get those muscles working  to make you happy. And you will be.  This is one of the best exercises for women who are wanting to energise their sexuality, fall pregnant, experience more powerful orgasms and rekindle a waning libido.  

The man can also experiment with using his pelvic floor muscles to lift the penis, putting more direct pressure on the G spot and sensitive structures on the anterior roof of the vagina. You’d never know exercising could be so very enjoyable.

The follow on benefits of this exercise is more sexual virility and desire, greater peace and centeredness, focus and energy (increased Chi effects). So go on, consider the challenge of sex every day, just for your pelvic floor rehabilitation if for nothing else, but I guarantee that you will feel great!