Defrauding Sex vs Loving Sex

As we negotiate sex in the modern world we are faced with many choices, and some are far better than others. There is no doubt in my mind that the best sex happens between a man and a woman within a non defrauding relationship. We defraud another when we withhold what is rightfully due, or when we steal what is not ours from another.

Now there is no place in scripture where God institutes marriage, it just appears that from the earliest times marriage and the responsibility that a man has to provide security for a woman and their children has been an honourable part of all human cultures. In various ways, through Gods advice found in the scriptures, it is clear that sex comes with a price of responsibility. 

Exodus 22:16 (KJV) 

And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.

Sex is a big deal with God, and if we want to discover all sex has to offer then we should make it our aim to understand why, and it is all about defrauding sex vs loving sex. Sex is pleasurable, but it is far more than that. Sex comes with responsibility, and those who overlook that or try and escape paying the price will eventually find themselves unhappily lost in a mess of their own making.

So what does it mean to defraud another sexually? Firstly, it is the avoidance of marriage and the commitment that that entails. If you are not prepared to marry your sex partner, no matter how much you “love” them, you are not loving them, but defrauding them of their potential happiness. You cannot give everything until you give everything; and the sacred vows of marriage, where we pledge our willingness to love against all odds, is the only firm foundation upon which great sex can flourish. Now, I know that great sex happens outside of marriage, but I’m not talking about those individual lightning encounters on your timeline, but a lifetime of positive, growing sexual experience. This can only happen within a non defrauding relationship. Now there are a multitude of reasons that people have unmarried sex, some more honourable than others, but hopefully I will explore this another time. For now I want to deal with married defrauding sex, which also cannot ever bring you into sexual happiness.

Now marriage does not in itself guarantee great sex. Far from it. Many married people sell themselves short by defrauding their partner or by being defrauded sexually. So, how is it that we can defraud our partner? The most obvious and by far the most common way is by not making sex a priority and denying sex when we don’t feel like it. Good sex takes lots of practice and communication. It requires time, attention, experimentation and a keen desire to please the other. If one or both parties enter the sexual relationship without an understanding of its high importance, or carry baggage that interferes with their ability to be sexually willing, you will have issues with desire. 

The easiest way to create a non defrauding sexual relationship is to make sex a high priority in your life. This necessarily requires that you examine your priorities and adjust them appropriately. My advise is to jump in at the deep end and see what surfaces. Make a commitment, a vow even, to devote time each day to your beloved. Without fail, without excuses, nurture your sexual relationship, refresh your love and remember your sacred covenant every day. Try it for 40 days to start and then let it become a habit.

You will soon see what excuses come up in your mind, then you have a choice, to break the vow or modify your priorities. I hope you do the latter. If you take the 40 day love challenge, and embrace it with enthusiasm and a can do attitude, I promise you will discover creative and resourceful ways to fulfill your commitment that will give you plenty of fresh love experiences. What if you are separated by other commitments? Write a love poem, try phone sex, come up with something that fits the bill for both of you, but stick with it no matter what. 

What if one fails and can’t let go of their stuff? They put their work or their tiredness before the vow? For the willing partner, this can be perceived as a deep betrayal and it is. It shouts out loud and clear that they are not making their marriage top priority. If you are going to do this, don’t play with it or you may find the consequences alarming. If you have any doubts about the strength of your marriage, this little 40 day intimacy builder will expose it. 

The 40 days of sex will naturally expose the baggage that may accompany our lack of interest in sex. Don’t think for a minute 40 days will deal with all of this, but it can work wonders and kick start the journey. There are diverse physical, cultural, religious, mental, emotional and spiritual reasons that we do not experience sex positively, but the best way to work through all of these and release new levels of sexual enjoyment is with the loving and patient attention, prayer and encouragement from a committed mate.

I have to end it here, but I would love to hear your thought and experiences or questions!

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The Riddle of the Fox & the Grapes, Lost Love and the Power of Forgiveness

I lost a friend today. We had shared much, and genuinely loved one another. How many times have I lost a friend? Too many to count!
The temptation that always greets us, is to think differently about the person we once loved; to see them as sour grapes, defective, no longer worthy of us. They have offended our very deepest self! The have rejected us, or stood coldly by, or done something to offend us; whatever it is for you or me, inevitably we start to have bitter thoughts towards somebody who once made us feel wonderful.

This not helpful, nor is it accurate. 

The person you once loved is still the same person. If you are determined to love all men as Christ commands, and I say that again, determined…then forgiveness and grace, not bitterness has to be your only choice.

Jesus tells us to pray blessings upon our “enemies” and to do good to those who have hurt us. How much more should we then forgive and bless the ones we love? 

When we are hurting, it is so easy to fall into the trap of bitter thinking. The discipline of blessing and praying and speaking well of others is a powerful protection against the devastation that bitterness can bring into your life.

I’ll be working on it today and every day. I hope you do the same, because it is a great key to a happy life.

  

Everest, lawlessness and the coldness of the Modern Heart

I have been thinking a lot about Everest lately, and its symbolism as the highest of loves. That got me looking at blogging sites for those who have an interest in climbing Everest.

It turns out the 2012 Everest climbing season had some colourful characters and inspiring stories that need to be told.

I was surprised to learn that 4 people died on the face of Everest that year. The ascent was limited to two brief windows of opportunity in mid and late May. Some seasoned Guides wisely pulled the plug on their clients very expensive dreams to make the summit, but of those remaining (200+), most took the first window, creating a traffic jam that caught some unprepared, running out of oxygen and energy, causing them to succumb to the seductive lure of a deathly, frozen sleep.  As four souls quietly perished, hundreds of other climbers pressed on, walking past the dying, unstoppable in their own ambitious goal to reach the summit. Only one, a young jewish boy, confident to become the youngest person ever to climb Everest, sacrificed his dream for his fellow man, a reformed New York street person, who originally had wanted to carry his bike to the top. Nadav Ben-Yehuda, only 300 meter away from the summit, abandoned his climb and carried Aydin Irmak back down to base camp.

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Read more about it here

Then I thought about it and I realised it’s true. Cold is the modern heart. Why? the answer is tied up in the Greek word anomia, meaning without God’s law, often translated “iniquity”, as it is in this verse in Matthew 24:12

and because iniquity shall abound, the love of many will grow cold.

The word translated “love” is the Greek word “agape”, the mature, sacrificial kind of love. The kind of love that puts others before ourselves. The kind of love that Nadav displayed when he abandoned his own dreams to save another.

There is another scripture, 1 John 3:4, which says

..sin is anomia (lawlessness)

When society is ignorant of, or consciously abandons God’s laws, the result is cold love. Coldness brings hurt. Hurt leads to bitter sin and hatred, hatred breeds coldness and around we go again, cycle upon cycle, generation upon generation, till we arrive at where we are today. We have generations of sin and hurt and bitter hatred and pride parenting us, teaching us, overseeing us, marrying us… and hurt people do not allow themselves to love.

So how can we unravel this? Is it even possible? Is loving another like climbing Everest? Will our human frailty leave us cold and abandoned by her dangerous tempests? Will anyone rescue us when our most valiant attempts have failed? All I know is Everest has been scaled, and once that happened it became possible, and that inspired others to put themselves to the test. If Jesus is our Hillary, the Holy Spirit is Tenzing our guide, inspiring us to press on towards the summit of highest love.

I suppose the ultimate point of life is what road will you choose?  Will you seek to overcome the ruts in your psyche and learn to love and then continue to love though the world grows cold and selfish? Will you adopt the laws of love shown by the teachings and example of Jesus as the one who perfectly fulfilled the law, though the powers that be considered him anomia (a law breaker). Will you forgive your enemies, pray for them and as a lamb led to the slaughter, silently bear their sin and murderous rage, blessing them while they seek to tear you apart? Will you accept the laws of love even the the whole world rejects them?
Hear Nadav speak.