As we negotiate sex in the modern world we are faced with many choices, and some are far better than others. There is no doubt in my mind that the best sex happens between a man and a woman within a non defrauding relationship. We defraud another when we withhold what is rightfully due, or when we steal what is not ours from another.
Now there is no place in scripture where God institutes marriage, it just appears that from the earliest times marriage and the responsibility that a man has to provide security for a woman and their children has been an honourable part of all human cultures. In various ways, through Gods advice found in the scriptures, it is clear that honourable sex comes with a price of responsibility.
Exodus 22:16 (KJV)
And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.
Sex is a big deal with God, and if we want to discover all sex has to offer, then we should make it our aim to understand why, and it is all about defrauding sex vs loving sex. Sex is pleasurable, but it is far more than that. Sex comes with responsibility, and those who overlook that or try and escape paying the price will eventually find themselves unhappily lost in a mess of their own making.
So what does it mean to defraud another sexually? Firstly, it is the avoidance of marriage and the commitment that that entails. If you are not prepared to marry your sex partner, no matter how much you “love” them, you are not loving them, but defrauding them of their potential happiness. You cannot give everything until you give everything; and the sacred vows of marriage, where we pledge our willingness to love against all odds, is the only firm foundation upon which great sex can flourish. Now, I know that great sex happens outside of marriage, but I’m not talking about those individual lightning encounters on your timeline, but a lifetime of positive, growing sexual experience. This can only happen within a non defrauding relationship. Now there are a multitude of reasons that people have unmarried sex, some more honourable than others, but hopefully I will explore this another time. For now I want to deal with married defrauding sex, which also cannot ever bring you into sexual happiness.
Now marriage does not in itself guarantee great sex. Far from it. Many married people sell themselves short by defrauding their partner or by being defrauded sexually. So, how is it that we can defraud our partner? The most obvious and by far the most common way is by not making sex a priority and refusing to be open to our partners advances and needs. Good sex takes lots of practice and communication. It requires time, attention, experimentation and a keen desire to please the other. If one or both parties enter the sexual relationship without an understanding of its high importance, or carry baggage that interferes with their ability to be sexually willing, you will have issues with desire.
The easiest way to create a non defrauding sexual relationship is to make sex a high priority in your life. This necessarily requires that you examine your priorities and adjust them appropriately. My advise is to jump in at the deep end and see what surfaces. Make a commitment, a vow even, to devote time each day to your beloved. Without fail, without excuses, nurture your sexual relationship, refresh your love and remember your sacred covenant every day. Try it for 40 days to start and then let it become a habit.
You will soon see what excuses come up in your mind, then you have a choice, to break the vow or modify your priorities. I hope you do the latter. If you take the 40 day love challenge, and embrace it with enthusiasm and a can do attitude, I promise, you will discover creative and resourceful ways to fulfill your commitment that will give you plenty of fresh love experiences. What if you are separated by other commitments? Write a love poem, try phone sex, come up with something that fits the bill for both of you, but stick with it no matter what.
What if one fails and can’t let go of their stuff? They put their work or their tiredness before the vow? For the willing partner, this can be perceived as a deep betrayal and it is. It shouts out loud and clear that they are not making their marriage top priority. If you are going to do this, don’t play with it or you may find the consequences alarming. If you have any doubts about the strength of your marriage, this little 40 day intimacy builder will expose it.
The 40 days of sex will naturally expose the baggage that may accompany our lack of interest in sex. Don’t think for a minute 40 days will deal with all of this, but it can work wonders and kick start the journey. There are diverse physical, cultural, religious, mental, emotional and spiritual reasons that we do not experience sex positively, but the best way to work through all of these and release new levels of sexual enjoyment is with the loving and patient attention, prayer and encouragement from a committed mate.
I have to end it here, but I would love to hear your thought and experiences or questions!
Eros to Agape 